By: Aidan Van Nynatten
Administrators Announce Plans for A-Z Lunch Schedule
With the commencement of a new semester, the administration of Hoggard will issue their latest disciplinary measure: lunchtime will now be dispersed according to every letter of the alphabet.
“We figured it was the next logical step,” they said in a confirmative addendum. “If we were going to continue down the whole ‘ABC’ route, it seemed justifiable to just go with the whole alphabet. Honestly, for those of you who wanted SMART Lunch back (everyone), we can guarantee you that no lunch will ever be smarter than this”.
The schedule will be enacted as follows (expect it to be clarified in a 10 minute video that will be watched during homeroom, a video which will sufficiently remind the entire school of their apparent lack of ability to absorb information properly, despite the fact that the incredibly high standards of the public school system suggests differently):
A Lunch will be taken by the cafeteria building, while the science building will take B Lunch. C Lunch will be assigned to the gym and weightlifting will proceed to the cafeteria during D Lunch. E Lunch will be excluded. Scholastic administrators still hate E. MC’s 11 & 12 will take their trip to the cafeteria during F Lunch, which leaves G & H to be taken by 9-10 and 14-15 (who will be joined by Dance), respectively. Rooms 103-106 will be delegated to I Lunch. J Lunch goes to rooms 107-109, as well as half of 110. The other half of 110 will join rooms 111-113 for K Lunch. 115 will be in a group with 201-204 during L Lunch for some reason, followed by 205 pairing with 128-131 for M Lunch. N Lunch will also be excluded for fear of possible offense taken, despite our poll which shows that 102% of the African American students at Hoggard only realized this as a possibility when it was brought up (we polled a few from Ashley as well). 116-120 will report to Food Land during O Lunch, all while 121-125 will go during P Lunch. The administrators debated whether or not to include a Q Lunch, reasoning that the letter Q is “a stupid letter that nobody likes or understands the existence of” (one thing that everybody can agree on), but they ultimately decided that Q was just nonsensical enough of a letter to work into this schedule. Therefore, 126 & 127 will share Q Lunch with the mole people who live under the campus, being another thing that nobody likes or understands the existence of. Meanwhile, 206 will be split into three groups. Group 1 will join 207-209 for R Lunch, Group 2 will join 210-212 for S Lunch, and Group 3 will join 213-215 for T Lunch. U Lunch will be taken by 216-220, V Lunch will be taken by 221-224, W Lunch will be taken by 225-230, X Lunch will be taken by 231-234, Y Lunch will be taken by 235-237, and 238-239 will click their heels together all Dorothy-Wiz-of-Oz like in order to be teleported to Z Lunch.
Each lunch will last an ample 5 minutes, all of them taking place within the same 2-hour window during third period as they are now, just with lots more letters. Each class period will now last 2 hours, with a 1-hour time slot being rotated throughout each week, starting with first period at the beginning of the week and moving down periods until it circles back to first period at the end of the week.
“As we went over it, we found that nothing struck us as unreasonable about it. Besides, what job offers more than about 5 minutes, let alone 30, for lunch besides every job in the free world?”.
They declined to respond to the question of how they would now make use of the much improved cafeteria that was just recently renovated, citing the need for “further deliberation”.
Upon being inquired as to what specifically was their main reasoning to implement this schedule, they responded: “After being hit with a storm in both hurricane seasons of the past two years, albeit an incredibly mild one last year, you never know when another one could pose a monumental disruption to the proceedings of education here at Hoggard”. When notified that hurricane season has been over for roughly two months at this point, they retorted: “Earthquake season is never over”. After being briefed that North Carolina has no active fault lines, their next response was more of a question: “What about tornadoes? They can happen at just about any time”, to which we responded that North Carolina tornadoes don’t occur much in Wilmington, usually being weaker ones.
“Well, what if there was a fire? Everyone knows the reputation of Hoggard’s trigger-happy trash cans. There must be some sort of payoff for all the god forsaken drills we hate… uh… need to do,” they said. We reminded them that if a fire were to start in the building that was of any consequence and necessitated time off, it would likely do enough damage so that the school would be closed for up to an entire semester, if not an entire school year.
“Okay, there is another reason that we decided to implement this revised schedule,” they said. They went on to elaborate that their main main reasoning was to deter future skipping of classes.
“Everyone knows the best way to discourage skippers is to make the classes that they hate to attend even longer,” they claimed. “Statistics show this, but we don’t show statistics, so…”. They never quite finished that remark.
“We also reasoned that it would decrease the fight rate, because shortening the window of time in which a fight could break out does wonders to diminish violent tendencies, rather than cause them to increase due to the escalation of tension and aggression that follows demanding and unreasonable schedules, of which this one is not”.
The new and improved lunch schedule will be finalized and enforced in the weeks to come.